I’m not ladylike, will I?

I’m that weird girl who says she’s not ladylike, likes to randomly shout at her siblings for fun, not poised at all at home, neither outside with constant burps which is something she’s quite known for.

But, she’s also the girl that lowkey wishes to have all of traditional Siti Nurhaliza songs for her wedding. Plus some songs from Blue please. And when I get bored of songs with vocals on that day, just play instrumental of indie songs. 

I guess when I admit that I’m not wanita melayu terakhir, I actually secretly sort of wish I am. I changed alot that I grow fond of traditional Malay songs. Past me won’t approve or neither understand this. It’s okay cause life is a mystery after all. But alahai dondang sayang so ayu the songs I can never actually imagine myself portraying the ayu image. Friends if you are reading this, can you ever imagine me in a batik and songket and be so lemah longlai?? Hahahah impossible! Who knows when I grow even older like in 3 years time or something I can actually can pull that image huh.

Anyway yeah, I’m actually listening to ‘Anugerah Aidilfitri’ now. So let me just daydream that I am Siti Nurhaliza. Hahaha!



Sighs, with love;

Not mine. From Giphy

I’m always on this journey of growth. We all are. We’re always finding ways to define ourselves as we age. In fact with every increase in numbers that remind us of how long we have exist in this life, we’re always trying to redefine. (Okay so today, life to me means, many times of redefining ourselves.)

This blog I’m subscribed to, brought up this thing about how she pictures her relationship to be. She wants a matured relationship. A relationship that doesn’t consist of flutters every minute, because there’s trust. Like, you know the ones we all will experience after marriage. It perhaps goes like, “Oh god why did I wake up to you again, but oh well you’re the person that saves me from insanity, so I guess I have to make you breakfast after this…” I pictured the conversation would turn out that way.

And she mentioned something along the lines of not wanting the giddiness of love. And that struck me. And at that moment, I decided that I too, want that kind of love. I want to be in a state where I feel secured and independent but at the same time know that he has my back all the time, even if he hasn’t utter sweet words to me in a while. I want to stay out of that giddiness.

Is that possible?


My own tank of moments

(Gif is not mine. From Giphy)

Am I considered selfish to savour precious moments and only keep them to myself? It’s really nice when people share theirs over the social medias, but I just couldn’t do that 90% of the time. I treat these moments like our own little secrets. Let me purely enjoy those moments, take in whatever feelings they give, and soak them in. Sometimes I felt the need to fish out my phone/camera and record everything. But at times, I just wanted to be in the present and feel as much as I can before they become fleeting memories.

If we ever go out together, and you catch me dreaming or just observing the situation, completely lost or silent, that means I’m capturing the moment.


I’m still relishing the date I had yesterday as I write this down. So fun, a day full of adventure, laughters, stories, full tummies and insect bites around a place in the country that I have not ventured before. It’s so true isn’t it when they say you gotta find the right company to have fun with. The place doesn’t matter when you are with the best.


Revival of Sab vibes

I feel like I am slowly loosing my vibe. I think mine got lost somewhere in the hoods of people’s vibes.

Maybe I lost my voice.


I think it’s revival time. I spent most of my time at home on Youtube, so I guess I found some videos that inspired me to, be myself.

The quirky me who loves colours and thrifted stuff.

(And these two people deserves a standing ovation from me, for pushing me to be, me again!)

Youtube: leahsfieldnotes

Leah Youtube

(Snapshot of her YT channel video thumbnails)

I love the colours and her content explorations! You can tell by watching her videos that she makes raw stuff, so original, casual. She can look like a normal girl without character, but at times, she’s hot.


She does thrift hauls and she rocked them. This brings me back to the times I got the balls to just use colours and try my best to dress up. AND, she’s a graphic designer. Definitely, someone I can look up to for inspiration.


Screen Shot 2017-08-14 at 3.34.01 PM


Okay, hold down;

Nope la, you are not gonna see me in bright hues all that. But, maybe this will help me start on design portfolio at the very least. And if these fuel me even more, I might come up with some personal projects to experiment, be it to make a zine, or a short film, a lookbook video. I don’t know yet. We’ll see.



(Not mine)

What do you do when you’ve felt too much love, that you feel suffocated?

Or maybe you took things too fast?

Or maybe you sort of force things to happen when seemingly things are going good because you’re scared, that you’ll never feel like that again?

You let it go. Let go of that tight grip. 

Loosen it.

Let things fall in place naturally. Let God do His plans. 

Let love grow organically.

Because love won’t tell you to stop. Because it is about respect and tolerance, that love won’t nudge you, or psstttt you and tell you what’s going on. It is in the moment, when you reflect upon how you treat the love, that it’ll drop some hints. It’s in the gut feelings, deep down. 

Treat love with dignity, and justice. Know the true meaning of love and what it is based on. Go back to the roots of love and change. Change the way you’ve been treating love, while you can.

And as for me, love stems upon continuous effort of giving happiness to the loved ones. And if that means stepping out of my own norm, I will try my best. Never to change but to adapt.


Love, beyond the surface

To describe this week as overwhelming is really an understatement. This one week taught me knowledge worth beyond. And I am a firm believer that, you will never truly understand any situation without experiencing it yourself, or if you are not willing to stoop down to the same level as they are and see things from their perspective. Never.

You know that sentiment. When you are weighed down by so many emotions, words cannot seem to make their way out of you. This feeling is indescribable, and it won’t settle. So I’m left speechless, hanging loose, stunned and mostly, stupid. Too oblivious to only realise it now. And I’m numbing myself, because I don’t know how to react.

Life is really full of surprises. It’s like a peek-a-boo. Only reveal when the time comes, and you’ve got no say but to accept that it’s how things are meant to be. My thoughts/views have been too shallow. I’m gonna talk one topic at a time. And for this post, I’ll be talking about inner beauty.

Just stop correcting how people don their hijabs or dress themselves already. Why are we so quick to correct others. Honestly, hijab does not promise you anything. It won’t make you a pious person. You want to know what does? Your heart. The hearts the strive to conduct only the Good. Lately, I have witnessed so many beautiful hearts of friends or people who do not wear the Hijab, and I am amazed by it! As though I’ve never ever knew things like this can happen. I used to associate Muslims who does not cover their aurah to be sinful, somehow. But you know what, I think, they have better manners and bigger hearts than I do? At least, they’re brave enough to stand up to their beliefs when others begged to differ. In my case, I wouldn’t speak up what I believe is right, because I fear how people would view me. So so timid.

Inner beauty is the pureness of the heart. To choose to believe, be passionate, practice good mannerism and be humble. Inner beauty is knowing your roots despite the circumstances. It is personal, your personal promise or virtue. This is what Muslims must possess first and foremost. With inner beauty, then every other things will be put to place without force. And this is how we should portray as Muslims, despite how different or diverse we are. This the thing we need to inculcate or hold deep within us, so that when other people see us, they see through us and not what is layered upon us.

Now, I understand why some people choose to grow their love for the religion first, before they make the big decision to don the Hijab. The image of Islam should not be based on how we dress ourselves, but how we respond to situations. Of course, with proper or decent dressing, it would be like a whole package. What I meant is that, I do not see the point of enforcing the dress code more than the Akhlaq. Can we see more of, “Hey, why don’t you treat others like how Rasulullah treat his neighbours”, instead of “Hey, why is your dress too fitting?” please. Islam can’t just be based on looks right?

This does not mean I will remove my Hijab whatsoever. I am comfortable with Hijab, and I am satisfied with my Hijab progress, but now, my priority will be on aiming for the inner beauty. It takes practice. Do not worry if people cannot see that in you. Remember, it is personal. It will eventually show itself.

Let’s all unite and help each other achieve inner beauty.


Found my living framework

I’m still shook by what I was informed from someone. His life took a 360 degrees turn, when the last time I knew he was doing really well. Always having backup plans, always on the top notch of his life, always in control. And the last thing I knew, he lost every damn thing he has worked hard for. You never know what’s about to happen in your life, and to me, it’s terrifying.

This really put me to my ground. Who am I to complain when I still have what should be my priorities in life.

I have a family that still supports and takes care of me. Even when they may not entirely understand or agree with me, they still stood by me. Even when I was out till late, I would receive Whatsapp texts asking of my whereabouts. At first, I thought the texts were annoying because, I believe I am already an adult that knows how to take care of myself. Little did I know, these concerns I get, I should never have taken them for granted. Some people are not blessed with this unconditional love. So who am I again to complain? Astaghfirullah.

Alhamdulillah, I am almost done with my degree. And I am very fortunate to have been given support from my parents even if they were doubtful of how this will support me as a career. So thankful that I could pursue a creative path, because I believe that it’s the kind of direction I see myself working in, in the near future. Not everyone can reach this far, not everyone could make it through till the end. Again, who am I to complain?

Last but not least, I still manage to hold dear, my faith. A religion to practice, a purpose in life. To believe that there is a God and to practice my faith. To be born in a family that encourages me to practice my faith, even if it means dragging me out to perform Subuh at the mosque on Sundays where most people start their weekends late. To make me understand that religion always comes first before anything. For me to not give up on life, and even though I am far from perfection, I still believe that I can do it. That determination to stand up, every single time I failed myself, that strength, which I believe are hidden guidances from God; to have them is beyond an honour, as a Muslim. Who am I, unknowing or rather, ignorant of all these sustenance, dare to complain?

Did it took me this far, to see what’s really going on, what’s underlying? How can I be so blind and egoistic.

I realised that, and made a promise to myself, that no matter what happens in life, never lose my family, faith and dreams. My living framework.

May whatever we do lead us to Him. May whatever I do in life, they must always go back to that framework. Honestly, I’m not sure how he’s able to cope with his current fate, but hopefully, he’s able to make it through.

Always think back of what you are fortunate with, and be grateful.


Click the goddamn ‘Go’ button already

Image result for nothing will work unless you do

There’s thousands of jobs out there. Which of them do you think you want to do for the rest of your life? 

I question that to myself all the damn time.

After watching Vivy Yusuf’s ‘Love Vivy’ series, I feel as motivated as ever. The same feeling most people get out of watching a good show/ documentary/ talk. You would just want to run the world the minute after, right? Like as though you got the essence of it, and you’re left with pressing the ‘Go’ button.

As much as you might know that I’m currently working into building my path into the design industry, let me tell you something. I’ve been envisioning myself owning and running my own business one day since young. I’ve even drafted a brief business plan before, but it stopped when I’m not sure on how to proceed on with the financial aspect.

Or, if you were my classmates back in Madrasah, you would have known that if you need any wedding invitations or arrangements, you know you have me to go to. That was what I want to be branded as at that age. Had I actually just go ahead, or ask for advice from my parents at least, I would have probably go along with my plans and own business at least by now.

What’s stopping me, then?

Now, there’s always this thing that stops me from sparkling. From owning what I have dreamt. From achieving beyond miles. I’ve always hesitated to click the ‘Go’ button. I doubted myself tons of times, and that resulted in set backs. Just do it. What’s worse that could have happened? A friend kept telling me that every single time I hesitated when it comes to job application. I’m just so scared of failure. I kept seeing it like a freaking dementor that will zap the heck out of my soul.

We can always bounce back up.

Consider the risk factors, and always have backup plans. Always. Treat failures as your leaps of faith. So what if you fail. Courage and confidence matter more than failures. We’re all so scared to know the weaknesses we might have or carry. It’s a human nature, to feel good all the time. To know we’re on flick, to portray only the good and be remembered with great impressions. And coming from a society where failures can be looked upon as a misery, we’re even more intimated to step close to that zone.

But trust me on this. The moment you bounce back up to your feet, you’d feel like the world is kissing your feet. You’ve just scored yourself entry passes to the next stage of your life. You’d understand how to manage similar situations you will face in the future. And you will also understand what life is.

Take them in, and manage. That’s how we grow. The more you repel, the more it goes back to you.

Correct me if I’m wrong. This post and its content are written spontaneously.

Now, go click your own ‘Go’ button! Be it to shower, to cook, to start on your assignments, to cut your nails, or to go out. Do it N O W.


I miss writing

Xin Nian Kuai Le.


Heaves a weighted sigh as I inch to start this post. I’ve always resonated the number ‘7’ as an unlucky, odd and alienated number, but let’s hope this year will be the year I become me.

The person who stands firm to her beliefs. Who knows what she wants, and knows that she is the deciding factor of whether happiness is to be with her or not.

I’m not the brightest nor happiest person you would have ever encountered. I admit that. And I’m tired of self-pity. I want to go back to the strong me that keeps pushing herself and never letting herself fall beyond depths. And you know what? I’m glad I’m already on it.

In half a year’s time, I’ll be having my Graduation Exhibition, just like how other design students would have in their last years of study. The day we would all shine within our own little spaces in the event, but our beam of talent will seep through layers of peoples’ hearts , hopefully and I mean let’s all pray that we will win the eyes of the industry people. Because spoiler alert, they are our main target. The part where it’s open to public and to family and friends, it’s mostly celebratory purposes because heck yeah we will be graduating soon! Okay so what about it? Each cohort will have to organise (from scratch okay which means from finding sponsors to location and coming up with a brand) our own Grad Show. And I opted myself as one of the leaders. 

The thing is, I have this love-hate relationship of being a leader. I suck at commitments and being responsible and owning up to it, but at the same time, I love being in the loop of being amongst the firsts to know what’s up and getting to manage/control tasks. It’s fun, but risky and it’ll just zap out a lot of effort. Tons of time I’ve volunteered but only to fail myself, so this time, I want to prove to myself that I can do it. 

That’s one thing, to brush up on my leadership skills. Another thing is, I’m back with coming with daily or weekly plans. Planning on what to do each days till the consultation day so by then, I would have more solid updates or progress on my projects rather to then waste time and produce less satisfactory outcomes that I would be less proud of –

– I just want to be happy. Or happier this year.

To be more grateful with each turnabouts, to live simply and be contented at the slightest things.

To be more daring, to not hesitate and plunge in at every and any opportunities given for self-growth, be it leadership/communication skills/etc.

And most importantly, to live the moment and not to dwell too long in the past.

Those three are my 2017 goals.


How to build up emotional strength

I’m subscribed to a quite personal random blog of a lady who blogs almost every day, if not maybe around at least twice a week? That frequent. Used to keep up with each of her posts until I can’t deal with her outpouring emotions and sincerity in her words. See, I’m a very sentimental person so I feel things/words alot. I can’t deal with too much emotions.  I can’t even read really sappy poems anymore cause I hate how heavy my heart can get because of overwhelming emotions and resonance of them words.

But back to that blog, I braved through her latest post, which gladly isn’t heavy with feels, and some of her words hit me down to my core. It’s about acceptance. About how catching after perfection seems surreal because there’s no such thing as being perfect. 

Instead, why don’t we focus on first:

1) Acknowledging our imperfections/flaws,

2) Accepting them,

3) Then learning to manage them

It made sense right? Just like how we’re told to face obstacles instead of avoiding them. We’re bound to face them sooner or later anyway. So quick way is learning to deal with them! Eveyone has their own set of flaws be it seen or hidden. We’re all dealing with our own shits. I mean even billionaires face problems like um, protecting their goddamn fortune. And no you’re not a weirdo/outstander/alien by having flaws. So why don’t we put a huge emphasis on managing our problems rather than choosing to worry so much about how flawed we are? 

Lastly, make use of your strength. I’m not saying physical strength but build up on what you’re good at. Let’s say, if you’re such a pro at being punctual, or a badass at organising anything, then work on them. These will add on to your confidence tank. 

Importantly, ying and yang. Find balance in yourself. Forge a symmetry with your flaws and strength. Once you got that momentum, you can deal with anything life throws you upon. Except death ofcourse but that’s out of the case. If you’re able to control that, you will be one tough being to tackle, emotionally. 

Hope this helps you and I.

TC & Wassalam