Tired of vibe searching

I wish you knew how many times I kept watching different vlogs or creative videos, be it on Youtube or Instagram, just to find my voice. Or entice my vibe back to me because I felt weird and out of shape for the past months. 

I am DYING to be me again. This is a struggle.

I was so afraid of, I don’t even know what. But for sure I know I was holding myself back from being me.

These voices, of people around me. Those eyes, watching me. And if you know me well enough, you would know I hate preying for attention or disrespecting/offending anyone. So I am always making sure I obey to whatever existing rules that are laid out there. 

Last year was fun because one of my goals was to be daring. And I went all out, from socialising and meeting new people, to stepping out of my comfort zone. Maybe, I need this back in my life. I’ve sort of toned myself down and it doesn’t help that I always feel that I can’t be as good as my peers. I feel that Uni pressured me and tested my confidence, a million times more. Because Uni was the step before real world, at least for the industry I’m rooting for. And I hate this but I always compare myself with them.

/

I’m exhausted, and I wanna change now. It’s good that I have a camera now. Maybe, if I have the time, I’ll make my first ever vlog, which is something I have been wanting to do for some time. 

Please pray for me.

TC&Wassalam.

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Cinta itu dusta ataupun aman sentosa

Cinta dan kasih sayang itu, umpama nak atau taknak sahaja. Bukan susah sebenarnya. Tiada istilah ataupun peraturan dalam arus cinta dimana kita terpaksa menghadapinya.

Tatkala kamu menemui gelombang yang parah dalam cinta, di situ kamu diuji erti cinta disisimu. Apakah cinta itu hanya sementara ataupon selama lamanya? Apakah cinta itu hanya di permukaan sahaja, atau pon kamu dengan ikhlas mencintainya?

Keindahan cinta dan kasih sayang tiada batasnya. Seperti ibu yang menjaga anaknya hingga tua, seperti kita yang membela kucing, walaubagaimana situasi mereka, seperti Tuhan yang membuka pintu keampunan keatas kita, insan yang sentiasa lupa dan alpa dalam hal keduniaan.

Tepuk dada kita, tanyakan apakah erti cinta bagi diri kita.

TC&Wassalam

Revival of Sab vibes

I feel like I am slowly loosing my vibe. I think mine got lost somewhere in the hoods of people’s vibes.

Maybe I lost my voice.

&

I think it’s revival time. I spent most of my time at home on Youtube, so I guess I found some videos that inspired me to, be myself.

The quirky me who loves colours and thrifted stuff.

I NEED MY VOICE BACK.
(And these two people deserves a standing ovation from me, for pushing me to be, me again!)

Youtube: leahsfieldnotes

Leah Youtube

(Snapshot of her YT channel video thumbnails)

I love the colours and her content explorations! You can tell by watching her videos that she makes raw stuff, so original, casual. She can look like a normal girl without character, but at times, she’s hot.

PLUS,

She does thrift hauls and she rocked them. This brings me back to the times I got the balls to just use colours and try my best to dress up. AND, she’s a graphic designer. Definitely, someone I can look up to for inspiration.

Youtube: YO’ HOMEGIRL

Screen Shot 2017-08-14 at 3.34.01 PM

LUV, 1AHV.

Okay, hold down;

Nope la, you are not gonna see me in bright hues all that. But, maybe this will help me start on design portfolio at the very least. And if these fuel me even more, I might come up with some personal projects to experiment, be it to make a zine, or a short film, a lookbook video. I don’t know yet. We’ll see.

TC&Wassalam

Tremendously uninspired

I have hit a plateau.

Something might have zapped the creative juices and energy out of me man. I feel SUPERBLY lazy and unmotivated to just start doing my portfolio, for goodness sake!

Whole freaking month of doing nothing, but eat and hitting the sack, or sticking my face to the laptop doing nothing but watching videos or surfing the net.

I

AM

DONE

.

Earth to me, please. I really need the portfolio done before I can actually look out for jobs.

I need a job, a glimpse of the real world, income to buy food and good stuff, and catching my dreams.

Unemployment sucks, but you know what? Laziness sucks even more!

Ok ok that aside, I am planning to write up a bit about design. You know, for the masses to take a thing or two, hopefully more about designing, with a PURPOSE. You do not space out alphabets for no reason guys. Please, do not follow what’s hyped about until you fully grasp it. In another words, do not take things for granted. Observe, and always question, why. Why. WHY!

Shit I need to really learn how to conduct workshops. I am dying to do it.

TC&Wassalam

Go jer

Slothed, and done slothing for the month. I know, some of my classmates have themselves landed on pretty good jobs, but I couldn’t just bring myself to re-edit my portfolio before sending in my resume to possible employers.

I want to get back on the grind, just get myself busy, learn new things, earn my own income, try to be an adult, buy more food importantly.

I have been holding in too much ambitions and goals and ideas, that I think it is time I make them happen. No more hanging around in my mind waiting for the clock to tick.

But awesome news, just collected my graduation gown, with the mortar board!! Do you know how proud I feel to have them with me when I had a little detour from my route home to have some me time at a Korean buffet?? Was secretly hoping a few might glanced at the gleaming mortar board and be like, “Oh she’s something. She’s graduating”. Hope only la.

Now I’m letting my body digest all the food I gobbled down earlier, and just rest. 

It’s time. I make a change. To this world. Bismillah. I know I’m so scared of what’s beyond. I’m too afraid to make the jump. I’m scared of failing. But I gotta do it. The modern Malays have this saying, “Go jer (Just do it), don’t scared!”

So let’s ‘Go jer!’

Tc&Wassalam

Grips


(Not mine)

What do you do when you’ve felt too much love, that you feel suffocated?

Or maybe you took things too fast?

Or maybe you sort of force things to happen when seemingly things are going good because you’re scared, that you’ll never feel like that again?

You let it go. Let go of that tight grip. 

Loosen it.

Let things fall in place naturally. Let God do His plans. 

Let love grow organically.

Because love won’t tell you to stop. Because it is about respect and tolerance, that love won’t nudge you, or psstttt you and tell you what’s going on. It is in the moment, when you reflect upon how you treat the love, that it’ll drop some hints. It’s in the gut feelings, deep down. 

Treat love with dignity, and justice. Know the true meaning of love and what it is based on. Go back to the roots of love and change. Change the way you’ve been treating love, while you can.

And as for me, love stems upon continuous effort of giving happiness to the loved ones. And if that means stepping out of my own norm, I will try my best. Never to change but to adapt.

TC&Wassalam

I k-Eid you not!

I’m done with school!

Yesss days of non-existence hours of sleep are gone. Uni was good, in the overall scheme of things. I managed to explore designs/styles/methodologies I have never tried before, and I have found my strength as well as my style, sort of. Life was never boring. I mean, you have friends around you every day, you know. Yeah, assignments killed me but friends revived me back. I’m truthfully glad and honoured to have friends who are supportive and humble. Humble enough to help me and push me further as a designer.

One thing I love about design school, particularly the university I was in, is that we practiced this studying culture of giving honest feedbacks and criticism to one another’s work. So we have this sort of backing system, where we helped each of us to see things beyond just our own pair of eyes, and simply grow further as a critical thinker. Whether we did it willingly or not, is not important. Because no matter how harsh it sounds, real world is harsher. And one beautiful thing about this course is that it welcomes people of different backgrounds (With design skills knowledge of course. Because within a year you are expected to explore and not waste time with the basics). We have people from the industrial design, engineering, and illustrators even. And we all learn the same things, and apply them to our own specialisations. And these kind of gems sprouted so well during collaborations. I get to see many different strengths and it’s like hitting so many jackpots when I get to learn so many things from different people.

Funny thing, it just happened that my Graduation Show Exhibition (An exhibition of all our Final Work for the course) ended a day before Eid celebration. So let’s just say Eid decides to commemorate the start of my unemployment days. You know, like in the face. Yeah I am now jobless, and seeking for one. I have yet to decide on what kind of jobs I want to do for a living. Since I’m still young and adventurous, I did thought of doing graphic design while travelling. Like a travelling graphic designer. Just did my research about people who have done so, and it sounds promising and profitable! So yeah, maybe I would want to do that. But if fate decides that I’m just good staying and working at this homeland for now, I’ll take it.

During the short degree course that lasted for a year, I found something I might actually enjoy doing and exploring further into, unless time forbids. I have some stacks of unused bought papers. They are not your typical printing papers okay. They are of different thickness and textures. I bought way excessive papers for my past projects, and I don’t know how to use them. So I have this idea of making booklets or something called zines.

Zine: Small-circulation self-published work of original or appropriated texts and images, according to Wikipedia.

zine-covers
(Not mine)

What I’m trying to say is that, I want to make my own mini publication of thin booklets! As to what kind of subjects I would want to touch, I am not yet sure. But one thing I would love to try, is to make use of the graphic styles that I love into them.

What’s supposed to be my ‘style’ consists of:
Futuristic, minimal, clean, vibrant, funky. 

In the zines, I would want to incorporate those as the style that embodies the collection, and make use of my illustration skills as well! It’s a sad thing that I did not make something out of my illustration skills during the Uni days, but oh well.

I don’t know why but that idea hypes me up a lot. I have never touched on print designs until I started Uni, and boy I do actually enjoy hands-on design! So perhaps, this time round, I would love to stitch my own zines.

So yeah.

That’s about it. My life.

TC&Wassalam

 

Love, beyond the surface

To describe this week as overwhelming is really an understatement. This one week taught me knowledge worth beyond. And I am a firm believer that, you will never truly understand any situation without experiencing it yourself, or if you are not willing to stoop down to the same level as they are and see things from their perspective. Never.

You know that sentiment. When you are weighed down by so many emotions, words cannot seem to make their way out of you. This feeling is indescribable, and it won’t settle. So I’m left speechless, hanging loose, stunned and mostly, stupid. Too oblivious to only realise it now. And I’m numbing myself, because I don’t know how to react.

Life is really full of surprises. It’s like a peek-a-boo. Only reveal when the time comes, and you’ve got no say but to accept that it’s how things are meant to be. My thoughts/views have been too shallow. I’m gonna talk one topic at a time. And for this post, I’ll be talking about inner beauty.

Just stop correcting how people don their hijabs or dress themselves already. Why are we so quick to correct others. Honestly, hijab does not promise you anything. It won’t make you a pious person. You want to know what does? Your heart. The hearts the strive to conduct only the Good. Lately, I have witnessed so many beautiful hearts of friends or people who do not wear the Hijab, and I am amazed by it! As though I’ve never ever knew things like this can happen. I used to associate Muslims who does not cover their aurah to be sinful, somehow. But you know what, I think, they have better manners and bigger hearts than I do? At least, they’re brave enough to stand up to their beliefs when others begged to differ. In my case, I wouldn’t speak up what I believe is right, because I fear how people would view me. So so timid.

Inner beauty is the pureness of the heart. To choose to believe, be passionate, practice good mannerism and be humble. Inner beauty is knowing your roots despite the circumstances. It is personal, your personal promise or virtue. This is what Muslims must possess first and foremost. With inner beauty, then every other things will be put to place without force. And this is how we should portray as Muslims, despite how different or diverse we are. This the thing we need to inculcate or hold deep within us, so that when other people see us, they see through us and not what is layered upon us.

Now, I understand why some people choose to grow their love for the religion first, before they make the big decision to don the Hijab. The image of Islam should not be based on how we dress ourselves, but how we respond to situations. Of course, with proper or decent dressing, it would be like a whole package. What I meant is that, I do not see the point of enforcing the dress code more than the Akhlaq. Can we see more of, “Hey, why don’t you treat others like how Rasulullah treat his neighbours”, instead of “Hey, why is your dress too fitting?” please. Islam can’t just be based on looks right?

This does not mean I will remove my Hijab whatsoever. I am comfortable with Hijab, and I am satisfied with my Hijab progress, but now, my priority will be on aiming for the inner beauty. It takes practice. Do not worry if people cannot see that in you. Remember, it is personal. It will eventually show itself.

Let’s all unite and help each other achieve inner beauty.

TC&Wassalam

Found my living framework

I’m still shook by what I was informed from someone. His life took a 360 degrees turn, when the last time I knew he was doing really well. Always having backup plans, always on the top notch of his life, always in control. And the last thing I knew, he lost every damn thing he has worked hard for. You never know what’s about to happen in your life, and to me, it’s terrifying.

This really put me to my ground. Who am I to complain when I still have what should be my priorities in life.

I have a family that still supports and takes care of me. Even when they may not entirely understand or agree with me, they still stood by me. Even when I was out till late, I would receive Whatsapp texts asking of my whereabouts. At first, I thought the texts were annoying because, I believe I am already an adult that knows how to take care of myself. Little did I know, these concerns I get, I should never have taken them for granted. Some people are not blessed with this unconditional love. So who am I again to complain? Astaghfirullah.

Alhamdulillah, I am almost done with my degree. And I am very fortunate to have been given support from my parents even if they were doubtful of how this will support me as a career. So thankful that I could pursue a creative path, because I believe that it’s the kind of direction I see myself working in, in the near future. Not everyone can reach this far, not everyone could make it through till the end. Again, who am I to complain?

Last but not least, I still manage to hold dear, my faith. A religion to practice, a purpose in life. To believe that there is a God and to practice my faith. To be born in a family that encourages me to practice my faith, even if it means dragging me out to perform Subuh at the mosque on Sundays where most people start their weekends late. To make me understand that religion always comes first before anything. For me to not give up on life, and even though I am far from perfection, I still believe that I can do it. That determination to stand up, every single time I failed myself, that strength, which I believe are hidden guidances from God; to have them is beyond an honour, as a Muslim. Who am I, unknowing or rather, ignorant of all these sustenance, dare to complain?

Did it took me this far, to see what’s really going on, what’s underlying? How can I be so blind and egoistic.

I realised that, and made a promise to myself, that no matter what happens in life, never lose my family, faith and dreams. My living framework.

May whatever we do lead us to Him. May whatever I do in life, they must always go back to that framework. Honestly, I’m not sure how he’s able to cope with his current fate, but hopefully, he’s able to make it through.

Always think back of what you are fortunate with, and be grateful.

TC&Wassalam.

Cause I needed an update

I skipped a month worth of updates!

There were a magnitude of things that has brought upon my zero efforts to update this site. There were times I did think about posting something, but I wasn’t motivated enough? Like that surge of black wave that crashes all the little tiny hopes to write something. Every damn time I know what to write, my body says Nope, not the time yet

Surprisingly I still have regular view counts, coping at a stagnant number every week. Don’t you think that’s weird considering that I didnt post at all hahaha. Thank you though for reading.

Zooming quickly pass the month of April, all I could say is, twas a wicked month. Had two weeks of rest from school (literally didn’t do any design work at all), worked on a side project, scored an ad-hoc job over at my cousin’s bakery, met and hang out with sick people I knew over the net. The only unmet plan was to drive a car. Very very depressing but no one is to be blamed. Things just don’t happen when they weren’t meant to. 

Now I’m back in school, gladly. It’s time to kick in the skills back. Plus I miss my schoolmates. You know, one thing good about being in school is having friends around you every week, without the need to make plans. Even though I’m left with only two months of school. Week one went by in a blink of an eye because the module is redundant and there were only two classes of that. So I wouldn’t miss much if I didn’t attend them at all. No worries I always try to be a good student so yeah I was there in class on both days! 

Now that we’re in May, even greater news are about to grace my entrance. InsyaAllah whatever it is, I would not want to lose my focus in Him and strive to become someone with a beautiful heart. I’ve started to realise that, I want to shift my focus to enhancing my inner beauty. Improving on my character and manner as a lady and as a Muslim. 

Can’t wait to turn into the person I envisioned to be. 
TC & Wassalam